me by my sister
as of yesterday i am starting a photo a day project. these are today's photos and i'm waiting to get yesterday's photos developed. i will be shooting a lot of it on film, so the photos might not be uploaded until weeks later, but i will definitely take one each day. i don't know how long this will last or how good the photos will end up being but i need a distraction right now.
i never realized how much a broken heart could hurt. i know i never normally write anything on this blog so i don't know why i am now. it's like nothing i've felt before. it's the dependency on somebody, the trust you gave them, everything else you invested in them and then one day they take it away as easily as it came. i've always looked down on girls who get so upset over so called "love" and now i can finally empathize. i know this is all part of coming of age and experiencing life (they say you can't go to drama school until you have your heart broken) but it seems so unnecessarily hurtful and difficult. you can feel so close to someone, the closest you have been to anybody before, and yet one day you realize you never really knew them at all. and that is what hurts the most. a long distance relationship was a strange concept, i spent my time counting down the days to see him. but i enjoyed that, having something to look forward to. and now nothing. no more cooking meals and being embarrassed over his halloween costume, no more sneaking me into his house and waking his mum, no more harassing him for photos and no more waking him in the early hours of the morning. now everything reminds me of him to the point where i can't watch 'fear and loathing in las vegas' because that was the book he kept on his bedside table. i almost wish i was angry about it all; it would make it so much easier. instead, i have spent the last four days chain smoking and tearing up over my similarities to bridget jones.
i am so grateful for the past four months.