Sunday, 7 November 2010

in my mind

two

aliddiaiiaa

slkddls
me by my sister

as of yesterday i am starting a photo a day project. these are today's photos and i'm waiting to get yesterday's photos developed. i will be shooting a lot of it on film, so the photos might not be uploaded until weeks later, but i will definitely take one each day. i don't know how long this will last or how good the photos will end up being but i need a distraction right now.

i never realized how much a broken heart could hurt. i know i never normally write anything on this blog so i don't know why i am now. it's like nothing i've felt before. it's the dependency on somebody, the trust you gave them, everything else you invested in them and then one day they take it away as easily as it came. i've always looked down on girls who get so upset over so called "love" and now i can finally empathize. i know this is all part of coming of age and experiencing life (they say you can't go to drama school until you have your heart broken) but it seems so unnecessarily hurtful and difficult. you can feel so close to someone, the closest you have been to anybody before, and yet one day you realize you never really knew them at all. and that is what hurts the most. a long distance relationship was a strange concept, i spent my time counting down the days to see him. but i enjoyed that, having something to look forward to. and now nothing. no more cooking meals and being embarrassed over his halloween costume, no more sneaking me into his house and waking his mum, no more harassing him for photos and no more waking him in the early hours of the morning. now everything reminds me of him to the point where i can't watch 'fear and loathing in las vegas' because that was the book he kept on his bedside table. i almost wish i was angry about it all; it would make it so much easier. instead, i have spent the last four days chain smoking and tearing up over my similarities to bridget jones.
i am so grateful for the past four months.

10 comments:

  1. I love the top your sisters wearing. and your eyes are beautiful :)

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  2. Anger doesn't make it easier in the long term, even when you're really angry after a relationship, you still have to stop and go through the sadness phase. Or sometimes both happen at the same time and you become a horrible person to be around.

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  3. After reading this, your blog title has taken on an extra sense of meaning. Your life sounds ever so beautiful, even when your heart is going through this. I love that, and your photos. I really look forward to seeing your photo-a-day project evolve :3

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  4. great shots as always, looking forward to your pic a day posts. I know no one can really say anything to cheer you up right now, but everyone has been where you are at some point in their lifes...it gets easier

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  5. Do not worry about it. And the photos are beautiful <3


    xx

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  6. You have the most beautifully expressive eyes, and I love the way you write, it's so engaging.
    Also, make it possible for people without a google account to comment!
    http://bitsandbobss.tumblr.com/

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  7. you elucidate everything I have felt for the last nine months. thankyou so much for writing it down and taking the words that I could not write. so beautiful. I just stumbled upon this little blog, checked out all these blogs I had pressed follow and never seemed to have the time, found this gem. I'm sorry - to you it's probably not a gem... ahh.. foot in mouth. but thankyou.

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  8. i can relate to this so deeply
    when you love someone they leave smudges on your life, that you just can't wipe away, and they build up until you are blind and you see them everywhere when they are gone, in your bed, at the supermarket fussing over which meat to buy, sitting next to you while your watching a scary movie but now you don;t have anyone to hide your face when you're scared. it happened to me once and i remember i hadn't felt so much pain before, but it gets a little better, i mean it never goes away, but it gets a little better, and then one day you replace the pain with someone else's love and it starts all over again.
    sorry for this rant

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