i don't even want to let go, because letting go is giving up. giving up hope and love and four months of complete euphoria. it was strange visiting london without you, turning the corners of streets and expecting to find you there. not wanting to see you, but collapsing in becca's hallway when i realized that i wouldn't. i combed my hair and wore nice clothes and pretty shoes but nothing mattered. i ate nice food and drank too much and took too much and nothing made me feel better. it is too lonely being alone. you opened up a hole in my heart that i never knew was there. you filled it to the brim then left me empty. once somebody opens up those emotions, that gaping hole in your world, then life is a continuous circle of trying and trying to fill that hole. a continuous circle of love and loss.
i have a lot of film to get developed but no money so i'm dying my hair and chain-smoking and writing annoying depressing things. maybe i'll end up somewhere nice tomorrow. it is christmas after all.