my room has mould growing in the corner and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. i want everything to go back to normal but even normal doesn’t feel enough. everything is so empty. my phone keeps buzzing but it is never who i want it to be. i have no motivation to get out of bed. i sit and smoke multiple cigarettes and eat pear drops but i stopped tasting them a long time ago. just a distraction. i listen to my ipod on shuffle and a song comes on that i don’t want to hear but i listen to it anyway. i watch films in bed and it reminds me of the last time i watched films in bed. everything is sticky with memories and i want to take the pictures down from my wall but they are my favourite pictures. i ride my bike but the wind cuts my face and i can't help but think how much nicer it would be with you there. i want to be proactive and create beautiful things but i can't remember how. i've forgotten how to be content. i get a drunk text message at 2.47am and it hurts because i know it is just that; a drunk text message. i am sick of waiting and sick of feeling like half a person.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Monday, 15 November 2010
i've finally started enjoying my uni course. i've taken a photo every day for the past week. i've started a band. i'm planning some proper shoots. i'm applying to university. i'm playing guitar again. i'm hopefully collaborating with more people. i'm planning to go to london over the christmas holidays.
Posted by FRANCESCA JANE ALLEN at 15:51
just friends is such a strange concept. it is just like before but with no sex and no obligation to see one another. we sat on the roof and smoked blackberry cigarettes and skipped pebbles in puddles. we went food shopping with his mum and took photos and walked through fields. i don’t know what i was hoping to gain from it. i suppose this is what they refer to as closure. perhaps.
i miss being happy and in love.
Posted by FRANCESCA JANE ALLEN at 12:55
Sunday, 7 November 2010
me by my sister
as of yesterday i am starting a photo a day project. these are today's photos and i'm waiting to get yesterday's photos developed. i will be shooting a lot of it on film, so the photos might not be uploaded until weeks later, but i will definitely take one each day. i don't know how long this will last or how good the photos will end up being but i need a distraction right now.
i never realized how much a broken heart could hurt. i know i never normally write anything on this blog so i don't know why i am now. it's like nothing i've felt before. it's the dependency on somebody, the trust you gave them, everything else you invested in them and then one day they take it away as easily as it came. i've always looked down on girls who get so upset over so called "love" and now i can finally empathize. i know this is all part of coming of age and experiencing life (they say you can't go to drama school until you have your heart broken) but it seems so unnecessarily hurtful and difficult. you can feel so close to someone, the closest you have been to anybody before, and yet one day you realize you never really knew them at all. and that is what hurts the most. a long distance relationship was a strange concept, i spent my time counting down the days to see him. but i enjoyed that, having something to look forward to. and now nothing. no more cooking meals and being embarrassed over his halloween costume, no more sneaking me into his house and waking his mum, no more harassing him for photos and no more waking him in the early hours of the morning. now everything reminds me of him to the point where i can't watch 'fear and loathing in las vegas' because that was the book he kept on his bedside table. i almost wish i was angry about it all; it would make it so much easier. instead, i have spent the last four days chain smoking and tearing up over my similarities to bridget jones.
i am so grateful for the past four months.
Posted by FRANCESCA JANE ALLEN at 10:43