nothing has any meaning when you are eighteen but you still think you are seventeen and stumble over your age when in the corner shop. waiting to leave home and waiting to be new. "i am not coming home for christmas." when you are irrepressibly infatuated with somebody who you really shouldn't be but you are teenage and lust is all you know. they only kiss you when tripping. wanting to chance upon a boy who you have not seen for five months for the sole purpose of proving how skinny you are without them. running for vanity. drunken fumbling on a stranger's sofa bed. you wake up shaking because you do not know yourself momentarily and you miss the person you could have become. he does not hurt you any longer but nobody will ever be him and you hate him for opening your eyes. you slip and kiss goodbye. just a child.